There are numerous studies that show how dangerous holding onto to anger can be. It not only disrupts our happiness, but it can also damage our relationships, injure our professional lives, and literally make us ill. Everyone feels anger. We are all human and anger is a basic human emotion. The key to keeping anger from having a negative influence in our lives is to recognize it for what it is and find positive ways of dealing with it.
Don’t get me wrong. I get angry. In fact, I spent a number of years being really angry at several things/people. Did it do me any good? Nope. If I could go back and do things differently, I would have let go of those negative feelings much sooner. And I still get angry. Two things that really get to me are 1) when someone intentionally hurts my loved ones (especially my kids…I can be a real momma bear) and 2) when people are intentionally unfair to others. I know life isn’t fair, but going out of your way to be unfair , mean, or discriminatory really ticks me off.
The Problem with Anger
Let’s be clear. I’m talking about anger and rage that you hold onto. This is not the frustration you occasionally feel towards a forgetful spouse or a whining child. It’s not the disappointment you feel when something doesn’t go your way. This is the stuff that builds resentment and keeps you up at night. It ruins your peace of mind, your trust in others, and even your relationships. It destroys your happiness.
If you lash out at a loved one, you can damage their trust. If your children know you will react in anger, they will less likely to share things with you. Loved ones may feel threatened by your behavior. They may be less likely to be honest with you out of fear for your reaction. Angry outbursts have caused problems between family members, neighbors, co-workers, and community members. React in anger on the job, and you might find yourself talking to human resources or even to an unemployment specialist. Losing your cool in public could end in a trip to the police station.
Not only does it harm our relationships with others, it is actually bad for our bodies. It can put our heart health at risk, raising blood pressure. Your risk of a heart attack doubles in the two hours after an angry outburst. Your risk of stroke also doubles. And holding it in doesn’t help either, repressed anger has been linked to heart disease.
The danger to your health doesn’t stop at your circulatory system. Anger is also linked to anxiety. A 2012 study found that elevated levels of anger worsened generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Depression can also be exacerbated by anger, especially anger that is brooded on. If you struggle with anxiety or depression, finding a positive way to deal with your angry feelings is crucial. A Harvard University study also found that people who felt anger all the time had a significant drop in their immune abilities. Being angry can not only make you sick, it can kill you. People who are regularly angry have been shown to have shorter life spans.
Dealing with Anger in a Positive Way
So we know feeling furious (whether we repress the feeling or lash out with it) is bad for us. But anger can drive us in a positive direction if we use it as a catalyst for change. There are positive ways to deal with negative feelings. If we are motivated, we can make changes in our lives. Sometimes anger can be that motivator.
Recognize Your Feelings
The first step in dealing with anger is to recognize the emotion for what it is. Denying our feelings is the wrong way to deal with them. Don’t judge whether your feelings are wrong or right or justified. Just label it for what it is. Anger often masks another feeling such as sadness, hurt, embarrassment, guilt, and fear.
Try to Determine What is Making You Angry
Once we acknowledge our true feelings, we can look deeper to see what is causing them. Is it a fear? Is it a disappointment or a rejection? Are there any triggers that lead us to react with outrage? Can we learn a better way to deal with those triggers or avoid them?
Make a Change in the Situation
Once your trigger has been identified, change the situation. Maybe you need to leave the environment you find yourself in. Go for a long walk and cool off. Stuck in traffic and feeling some road rage? Turn up your radio and sing out loud until the bad feelings dissipate. In a negative work environment that has you really down? Maybe it’s time to look for new employment. I once had a job that was a real nightmare. The management bullied the staff and abused their power. When I left, someone had turned them into the labor board for failure to pay properly. Leaving really improved my mental health.
Take a Deep Breath
You’ve probably heard the advice to stop and count to ten when you’re feeling angry. It can be good advice. Even better would be to practice some deep breathing. A few deep breaths can lower your blood pressure and lessen the tension in your body. Do it while you count to ten and see if you feel any better.
Let Go of What You Can’t Control
This is a hard one, especially for a recovering perfectionist like me. But we all need to recognize that sometimes we don’t have the ability to change things. In that case, our only option is to let it go. Holding on to it will only make you feel worse. Remember:: Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Learn to Express Yourself in Positive Ways
How do express anger is a positive way? Think before you speak. Use controlled tones. Try to be non-confrontational. Be clear as to why you are offended or angry. Express why someone’s behavior is not alright, but do it respectfully. Don’t use emotionally-loaded words. These can take the form of accusations, blame, put downs, harsh criticisms, and name calling. Don’t return hurt for hurt or anger for anger. Remember: An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Learn to be assertive rather than aggressive in your communication. It is good to let someone know they have hurt you or that their behavior is not okay. But it’s not so good if you get in their face while you’re doing it.
Come Up with Some Affirmations
If you know you have a problem with anger, try to come up with affirmations to repeat to yourself when you feel your anger rise. You can repeat these to yourself. Some ideas: “You’re okay. You’ve got this”, “I can be the person I want to be despite feeling hurt”, or “I am the only one who can control my feelings. I choose to feel good.” Here is a website with lots of affirmations for dealing with anger. See if one of their ideas will work for you.
Spending time talking about anger in a blog that focuses on happiness and positivity might seem strange. But if we can learn to deal with our negative feelings in constructive ways, our happiness will be that much greater. Everyone feels angry at times. Remember, it’s okay to feel angry, but don’t let it fester, blow up and injure you and others. Deal with it in constructive ways and it can be a positive thing.
I hope this look at anger has helped you in some ways. Thanks for reading and please share.
