My name is Leah, and I am a recovering perfectionist. It has taken me over 20 years to get comfortable with the fact that nothing I do or say is going to be perfect. I used to worry about offending people by saying the wrong thing, stress out over my house not being perfectly clean for visitors, and I never wanted to accept help from others because they might not “do it right.” In recent years, I have made a persistent and dedicated effort to let things go. And it’s paying off. Most of the time, I can honestly say I’m okay with okay.” It doesn’t have to be perfect for me anymore. What a relief!
If you’re in the middle of your struggle with perfectionism you might be asking, “How did you do it?” If you’ve never been prone to perfectionism, you might not even recognize what I’m talking about. Let me tell you a bit about my journey. I’ll share some experiences and ideas that have helped me. Hopefully, you can find something of worth for you or a struggling perfectionist you know and love.
Starting to See
Trying to be perfect was a source of major anxiety and unhappiness for me. One problem was that everything I tried to do to make it better, I tried to do perfectly. See how that might be a problem? One day, I was sitting with a professional in the mental health field. She was talking about anxiety levels. She asked someone else what their levels went from on any given day on a scale from 1-10 (1 being none and 10 being out-of-your-mind), The friend answered a high of 7 or 8 and a low of about 3. The doctor responded with some alarm, ” Three, that high?” And I was sitting there thinking, “Three sounds really good. What is she talking about?”
It was eye opening for me to realize that people walk this planet with stress and anxiety levels lower than three all the time. I honestly never knew it was possible. This was the latest beginning of change for me. I say latest because I have taken some baby steps all along, but this was more like a huge step forward.
Moving Forward
These newest improvements began when I talked to my family doctor about my anxiety and stress , and began following her recommendations (but gave myself permission to not be perfect at them). I looked for ways to add more peace, contentment, and positivity to my days. I began recognizing anxiety and stress and calling them out for what they were…not based on reality but in perfectionism and self-doubt.
Getting older has definitely helped. I have more of life to look back on and learn from. But that shouldn’t stop anyone young from letting go of trying to be perfect. Gaining a better perspective is what was needed for me. It took a few grey hairs for me to get it, but I believe it’s possible to do this at any age. I’m just more stubborn than some people.
Setting Priorities
Prioritizing has also been very beneficial to me. I no longer feel the need to get it all done. I do what is most important, most fulfilling, and most necessary. And if there is time for more, I can do some of that. I love the advice: Instead of thinking “I don’t have time” think “it’s not a priority” and see how that feels. It really works for me. Thinking I don’t have time stresses me out. Passing on things that aren’t a priority makes me feel relaxed and at peace.
I also realized how much my perfectionism affected my children. Talk about stressed out! If mom’s not happy, nobody is. I don’t have to be perfect for my kids and they don’t have to be perfect either. It is an impossible goal to set and I don’t want them to feel like they need to do to themselves what I did to myself for too long. Another piece of advice I’ve picked up along the way: There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people be inspired by how you deal with you imperfections.
I try not to be nit picky about their clothes, their rooms, or their friends. It’s important to pick your battles when you are a parent. We still have rules. Don’t get me wrong. But I try very hard to be a more relaxed parent while still keeping my kids safe, healthy, and moving in the right direction.
Taking Care of Myself
Does anyone else struggle with making yourself a priority? My main occupations in life are wife, mother, and teacher. All of these jobs require some self-sacrifice (maybe more than some), working hard even when you don’t really feel like it, and pushing yourself (and sometimes others) to do a little better every day. It can be hard to take care of yourself in these circumstances. I have teacher friends who would rather go to work sick tan have to draw up lesson plans for a sub. And you’ve probably seen the commercial for a certain cold medicine with the line “Mom’s don’t take sick days.” It’s true.
So I added blogging, journaling, and meditating to my to-do list. I need to add regular exercise to the list…maybe next year! These are things I do for my own satisfaction and sanity. Blogging has reignited my love of writing and being creative. My bullet journal has helped me get organized, stay organized, be creative, and have more gratitude and self-reflection. I can’t say enough good things about it. Meditation is something I spend a minimum of 10-15 minutes a day on. It just helps me check in with myself and how I am really feeling and thinking.
Approving of Myself
Most days I approve of myself. I still have moments of weakness when I take myself to task for something I really didn’t mean to do or that I had no control over. But, most of the time, I think I’m doing okay. And I’m okay with okay. All my mistakes, my screw ups, and my less than stellar performances have brought me to the place I am now. I can’t say that I’ve let go of all those things because they’re part of me and short of having amnesia, I’ll probably remember the bad and the good for a very long time. This reminds me of some other good advice: “It’s not a matter of letting go. If you could, you would. Instead of ‘Let it go,’ we should probably say ‘Let it be.” (thanks to: Jon Kabat-Zinn)
One last thing…it feels really good to admit I’m not perfect. It used to feel like a tragic confession…okay, okay, you’re right. I did it! (or didn’t do it right). Now it feels like a breath of fresh air. I am proud to say I’m not perfect. I am mostly happy, sometimes silly, a little crazy, occasionally tired and grumpy, but I am okay and that’s enough.
Thanks for reading and please share!
