Quality Self-Care Begins with Self Compassion

Self-care is all the rage these days. It pops up on my Pinterest feed, in blogs I read, and even on news sites. Everyone, it seems, is jumping on the self-care advice bandwagon. In fact, I just published a post on journaling and self-care. You can read it here. So I guess I’ve jumped on the self-care bandwagon too. Perhaps I should have published this post first. Because practicing self-care doesn’t get very far unless you start with self compassion.

 

 

Have you noticed that we are often our own worst critic? Our inner voice tells us things we would never say to someone we care about. Sometimes, that negative self-talk is something we wouldn’t even say to a total stranger or our worst enemy. Yet, we say it to ourselves. This is where we need to begin.  We need to treat ourselves with compassion. Words related to compassion include: mercy, care, love, concern, kindness, tolerance, and sensitivity. Please keep these words in mind when that voice in your heads tells you what a screw up you are or that you’ll never..”.fill in the blank”.

I love this truth: Love is more powerful than fear. When we do things out of love, we do them with more power and the results we produce are also much more powerful. Instead of criticizing ourselves to motivate, we should try loving ourselves. Love yourself enough to stop putting yourself down. Love yourself enough to eat right, exercise, and take time out when you need it. Loving ourselves is the first step to self-care, not an optional add-on.

A Personal Quest

In my family, we have a biological vulnerability for anxiety disorders. Negative self-talk has often been a part of my fairly anxious life. I am also a recovering perfectionist. I can be really hard on myself and feel really anxious when I’m not doing things the “right” way. Once I entered my forties, I developed some better skills for dealing with my anxiety and perfectionism. Self compassion is what has saved me. If I didn’t like myself, see my worth, and believe I’m worth fighting for, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. Life is tough, but so am I. I know I can do it. I know I am worth it.

The biggest catalyst for me in dealing with my anxiety was the effect it was having on my family, especially my children. It turns out that some of them have inherited that biological vulnerability I mentioned. I started looking for help my child before I did it for myself. Their journey helped me on mine, and I will be forever grateful for that.

I only wish that I had been better at teaching them earlier about how to be compassionate to themselves. Yes, that’s a little mothers’ guilt. talking.  And it’s not compassionate for me to blame myself. But sometimes I do. My negative self-talk is a deeply ingrained habit and I will probably always battle it. I am human  after all. But I have learned ways to cope with it and to grow from it.

 

5 Ways to Practice Self Compassion

I am still discovering ways to practice self compassion, but here are five ways that I have found to be personally beneficial.

1, Put yourself in another’s shoes

You thought we were talking about how to treat ourselves, not others, right? Well, we are often better at following the Golden Rule when we look outward. It’s harder to do when we look inward. The words: “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” are a valuable teaching. Turning it around like this: “Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” is also very good advice. We should treat ourselves just as well as we treat other people.

 

 

 

2. Practice Positive Self-Talk

Do you know who Stuart Smiley is? The character from Saturday Night Live who practiced self-affirmation? It was a joke on the show back in the 90s. But, in reality, self-affirmations can be very powerful. They’re no joke.  The key to changing how we feel is to change our perceptions. We can do this by changing our inner dialogue. I love the advice: “Instead of saying ‘I don’t have time,’ try saying ‘It’s not a priority.’ and see how that feels.” When I do that, it takes the pressure off. and all I did was rephrase my inner conversation. It is a powerful tool. Try changing how you talk to yourself and see what it does for you.

 

 

3. Write it down

Last week I published a post on journaling and self-care. The act of writing things down can be therapeutic. If your thoughts keep you up at night, try keeping a notebook next to your bed. Write all your cares down and leave them there for the night. This often works very well. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Try writing a letter to yourself. Tell yourself all the reasons you are worthwhile and important. You can write from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally. You might be surprised to see what you can come up with. It may take some practice, but it will help.

Write down a dialogue to repeat to yourself when those negative thoughts get too loud to handle. You can include inspirational quote and messages, scriptures, or anything else that helps you see your true value and worth.  Then, when you can’t shake the mean self-talk, stop and reread the dialogue you’ve created. It will serve as a powerful reminder as to who you really are and what you are capable of.

 

4.  Practice Forgiveness

We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. Why is it then that the hardest person to forgive is often ourselves? Forgiveness is an essential component of self compassion. You need to let go of the past to move forward in life. Some of that negative self-talk often comes in the form of condemning ourselves for falling short somewhere.

Just remember, you did the best you could, and when you learned better, you did better. Who we are is not just the good things that we do, or the happy times we’ve had. It is also the mistakes, the disappointments, and the broken pieces we put back together.

 

5. Slow Down

I spent a lot of time rushing through my daily life, filling up my schedule with meetings, events, volunteering, and family life. None of those things are bad, but when you do not make the time for quiet moments, you will find life comes up lacking. We all need downtime to refresh our minds and recharge our batteries. Think about the times you’ve felt inspired to do something or felt you truly understood an idea. or a loved one. You probably weren’t rushing to ten different appointments that day. I often find inspiration in the quiet moments I now realize I need to schedule into my routine.

Modern life is busy. I have three kids who often need me for something and a husband who has a demanding job that he sometimes travels for. I teach art and history classes and substitute for a local elementary school in my “spare time.” Busy is something I understand  very well. But I also know that I need to slow down and smell the flowers or maybe just take a nap. In fact, when I don’t slow down, my body lets me have it. I have had bronchitis and/or pneumonia more times that I can count. My body simply refuses to keep pushing forward when I don’t take care of it. The same goes for my mental health. When I don’t take time to meditate, pray, and journal, I can feel it.

 

 

 

Best Sites for More Information

Here are three of my favorite sites on self compassion. Check them out for more inspiration and also for affirmation, self-guided meditation, and other beneficial activities. Please note this section contains affiliate links. See disclosure policy for details.

1. Self-Compassion.org

   Dr. Kristin Neff  (PhD Psychology) is one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. She is the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.  She teaches courses (online and in-person) on self-care and compassion. And she even has her own TED talk.

2. Brenebrown.com

   Dr. Brene Brown (PhD Social Work) is the author of one of my favorite books: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.  She also teaches classes and has more than one fantastic TED talk. You can see my favorites here and here. She teaches at the University of Houston. She studies topics like worthiness, shame, and vulnerability.

3. Mindfulselfcompassion.org

   Dr. Christopher Germer (PhD Psychology) has a private practice and is an instructor at Harvard Medical School. He specializes in mindfulness and compassion based therapy. His book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions is highly rated.

 

It seems simple enough. In fact, it should be a no-brainer. In order to truly practice self-care, we need to practice self compassion. How well do we take care of things that we don’t care about or like? Not as well as those things or people we truly love. So show yourself some compassion and see how it feels. Then you’ll be more likely to see the value of caring for yourself.

What do you do that helps you have more self compassion? Share your ideas in the comments. Thank you for reading and please share.