October is National Bullying Prevention Month. I know that this blog is supposed to be about what makes you happy and bullying is never a happy experience. So why am I writing about it? Because when I see kids and adults correct bullying behaviors or stand up and say it isn’t right, it makes me very happy. It makes me hopeful. When I am working with my students, I stop any rude, mean, or bullying behavior I see and try to teach them to treat one another like they’d want to be treated.
As adults, we often are not sure what advice to give our kids when it comes to bullying. “Just ignore them” or “walk away” are common bits of advice. Both are much easier said than done. The Stop Bullying Now website gives parents tools to use when they suspect or know their kids are being bullied. Advice includes spending quality family time together, encouraging hobbies and personal interests, providing service opportunities for your child, helping your child develop problem-solving skills. All of these things will increase a child’s self-esteem and help them cope better with bullying.
Problem Solving Skills
Three important problem-solving skills that we and our children need to develop are: self-calming strategies, thinking of problem solving strategies ahead of time, and asking for help when it is needed.
Self-calming strategies are important for all of us to have. We all have times when we need to relax and calm down. We can teach these techniques to ourselves and then to our children. These include breathing techniques (see tutorial at anxietybc.com) and exercise.
Another important skill is planning what to do ahead of time. Having a plan or options gives us a feeling of security. It gives us backup Remember, if plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters. Practice what to say and do ahead of time with your child. Have them think about what might happen next and what they can do about it. Feeling self-empowered is a great tool for increasing confidence and security.
Sometimes we just need to ask for help. It can be really hard to speak up, especially when we are being bullied. One of my children felt bullied by a teacher. It was incredibly hard for her to speak up and ask for help. She was even afraid to talk to her other teachers. I explained that most teachers and counselors are there to help. They want to help. But no one will know you want or need help if you don’t speak up.
We should set the example for our kids. e need to practice all these problem solving skills for ourselves. Then we will be better equipped to teach them to our children. So if you need help, ask for it. And remember to breathe!
Help! My Kid’s a Bully
What if you find that it’s your child who is doing the bullying? First, don’t just deny it. As an educator, I hear the “not my kid” line way too much. There are no excuses for bullying So don’t try to make any. There are reasons for bullying and when we address them, our children (both those who bully and those who are bullied) will be much happier.
Some reasons kids do mean things include:
- Trying to be funny
- Copying behavior they’ve seen in games or on television
- Expressing frustration or anger about something else in their lives
- Lacking empathy or the ability to put themselves in another’s shoes
- Seeking approval from peers
- Retaliating for someone else’s bad behavior
- It makes them feel powerful
In order to correct a negative behavior, it helps to identify what is behind the behavior. It is also important to correct such behaviors in positive ways. If a child is acting out because they want to feel powerful, what is it that they are lacking? We can help them have better self-control and build their self-esteem.. If a child is acting out negative behaviors from television or video games, it’s probably time to find some new entertainment activities.
We can also look for good behaviors and complement and encourage them. Catch them being good kids and reward it. Kids learn that it feels good to do good. Give them opportunities to do good. In my classroom, I would often choose someone who needed a boost (rather than someone who I knew would do the best job) to be my helper.
If your child doesn’t respond to positive reinforcement, please consider professional counselling. Some kids have issues with aggression or anger that need to be addressed in a clinical setting.
Witnessing Bullying
Sometimes our kids aren’t bullied or bullies, but they witness it and feel helpless or frustrated. We often hear the phrase “stand up to bullying,” but is it really that easy? The answer, again, is to counteract the negative with positives. Children who are bullied usually want to feel included, needed, wanted, and important. Funny, this is usually what the bully wants to feel too. Witnesses to bullying can strive to include others in their games, befriend kids who need a friend, and being encouraging to their classmates. Of course, if they witness serious forms of bullying (physical confrontations, stealing, vandalism) they need to go to a trusted adult.
Bullying Versus Peer Conflict
Some conflicts are just part of growing up. We need to help our kids and ourselves recognize the difference between bullying and just learning to get along with our differences. Bullying occurs when there is an imbalance of power (like my daughter and her teacher), it is intentional, and it is repetitive. Peer conflicts are those disagreements that happen between us like disagreeing on what to play at recess, wanting to play with someone else,and not wanting to share.
Since it’s National Bullying Prevention Month, let’s look for ways to help the children in our lives move past bullying behaviors. Thanks for reading. Please share!
