The gift giving season will soon be upon us. It can be filled with happiness and joy and/or fraught with disappointment and unfulfilled expectations. We have often heard that it is better to give than to receive. I don’t believe that is always the case. Being giver or receiver can bring us hurt feeling and warm feelings. It is up to us to learn how to be a happy and gracious giver as well as a willing and thankful receiver.
Giving Without Expectations
Don’t we sometimes give a gift with an expectation attached? It happens all the time. Sometimes the expectation is a thank you note or some other form of appreciation. Sometimes the expectation is a gift in return. Whatever we may be wanting in return, if we don’t get it, we will feel disappointment, rejection or out and out anger and frustration. “How could they not even acknowledge my gift? I went through all that trouble. That is so rude (selfish, inconsiderate, add other negative adjectives here)” When we find ourselves in this spot, it is definitely not better to give than to receive.
Think of the phrase “give freely.” What does that mean? I believe giving freely means giving without expectations, without wanting something/anything is return. Dictionary definitions of “freely” include “willingly,” “generously,” and “without hiding anything.” So if we give freely, we give of our own free will, we give with generosity, and we do not hide intentions or expectations in the giving of the gift. When we give freely, it is wonderful. We are giving out of the generosity of our hearts. We simply want to give another person something we hope will benefit them…no strings attached.
Is giving freely an easy thing to do? No. But it does get easier with practice. We should ask ourselves “What is my expectation?” when we give something to another. If we find that we have an expectation attached to the act of giving, we should reevaluate the gift. When we give with strings attached, we are usually disappointed in the outcome. Recognition of this is the first step in overcoming it.
My Own Experience
One day my children and I were out shopping when we saw a homeless man near a store we frequent. I felt impelled to give him some cash. After we drove away, one of my children said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll only spend it on drugs or alcohol.” I was surprised to hear a ten-year-old with that point of view, especially given the way we’ve tried to raise them. I asked where she got that idea from. I was expecting to hear school or my friends. Imagine my shock when she said, “My Sunday School teacher”. My heart sank. I explained that it is not our place to judge, that we should give what we can, when we can. In giving to the man, I had fulfilled my part in the matter. How he chose to receive (and use) my gift was up to him.
I wish I could say I always give freely, but sometimes I fall short. Sometimes I feel unappreciated. Other times I wish for a gift in kind. And that’s okay. I just try better the next time. And I try to make sure I am giving for the right reasons.
Receiving Without Guilt
How we receive gifts is just as important as how we give them. In some ways, it is easier to give than to receive. Sound crazy? After all, everyone loves getting a gift, don’t they? Not always, especially if the giver or the receiver attach strings to the gift.
Receivers can also attach strings to gifts, even if this was not the intention of the giver. “Oh, I don’t want to be a bother” (spoken apologetically). “No, really, I can do it myself” (spoken stubbornly). “I couldn’t ask you for that!” (spoken self-consciously). Even when there are no strings attached, we sometimes assume there are and treat the gift accordingly.
Sometimes, receiving a gift requires courage and humility. It is hard to let someone else do for us something we’d rather be able to do for ourselves. It takes courage to ask for help when we need it. We don’t like to feel indebted to someone else. But if they are offering a gift with no strings attached, we should accept it the same way.
If a gift is given freely and received freely, there is no debt and no indebtedness. Debt only comes from borrowing and lending. If you look up the definition of receiving, you will not find “borrowing” as a synonym. And if you look up “giving,” lending is not listed as a possible alternate.
Just as giving a gift freely makes receiving it a much better experience, receiving a gift graciously makes the giving of it that much sweeter. They are really two halves of a whole.
I’m Trying, Really, I am
I, for one, am trying harder to receive gifts more graciously. I have a bit of an independent, stubborn streak, and it’s hard for me to admit when I need something from someone else. Or I go the opposite way and want something, but don’t ask for it. Then I get hurt when I don’t get it. People aren’t mind readers! If you need or want something from them, how will they know if you don’t say something? It would be absolutely wonderful if my husband or my friends knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me without my having to ask. But that’s just not reality, is it?
Finding Joy in Giving and Receiving
In order to truly be happy in giving and/or receiving, we need to do it without expecting anything. We need to be humble enough to receive what is given, but also humble enough to not take offense if our gift is not appreciated in the way we would like. We need to have courage to ask for things when we need them, and also to give gifts from our heart to those who may not acknowledge them. I know it’s all easier said than done, but think of a time when it was done well in your life. Wasn’t it wonderful?
Thanks for reading and sharing!
